Tag Archives: self-acceptance

Naked in the Street, Wide Awake

My Own, Personal Jesus

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In Season 14 of Grey’s Anatomy, April Kepner is having a crisis of faith. At one point she said:

“I mean, the Bible, the Qur’an, the Baghavad Gita, they’re all the same book, aren’t they? They all just generally say how not to be a jerk. Well, I don’t know those other books, but I know the New Testament. And the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gets up there and he says how to behave and how not to behave.

People flagrantly disregard His teachings and receive absolutely no consequences, while other people who spend their lives trying to emulate Him and honor Him are brutally mistreated.

God’s off making a bet with the devil while good people eat crap sandwiches, and we’re supposed to eat those sandwiches with a smile on our face?! We’re supposed to rejoice??”

Her agony and confusion were palpable, and in that moment, I saw something with absolute clarity:

You aren’t doing it for ‘Him’.

I’m not religious, though I do consider myself spiritual. I don’t believe in heaven or hell; I have no concrete idea if there’s an afterlife that would resemble anything like the life I know now. Maybe we are all merely energy that will change forms and vibrate at some different level, merging with the universe in ways that are both mysterious and beautiful. I don’t think spiritual texts, including the Bible, are definitive rules I have to follow to win God’s favor, as much as they are encoded sources of wisdom and insight about how to navigate the complexities of our present existence. Ultimately, it’s about finding meaning and purpose, and the ability to have peace and joy — here, in this moment.

Negativity, narcissism, and neuroticism are rampant. They spread faster than the coronavirus and do more damage than cancer. It’s easy to be swept up in that current and to look at life through those eyes. When I do… Every day becomes an exercise in drudgery. Every email sounds sharper than it probably is — a hint of judgment I can’t help but hear. All those unmet, unspoken expectations of friends or family feel like proof that they don’t really love me. There’s a saying in a community I’m in: “One’s too many and a thousand never enough.” As soon as I give in to that first ONE, whatever it is, there will never be enough to satisfy me. And that’s also true with complaining, gossiping, rumination, harsh self-talk — things that might make me feel… well, different… for a moment, but snowball into a lifestyle that’s hard to escape.

It’s even harder to quit than sugar.

I’m not referring to feelings here — I’m talking about behaviors. I am going to have some feelings; we all do! I keep reminding myself that a feeling only lasts 30 seconds. I mean the science says no longer than 90 seconds – but when I first learned it, I learned 30. At any rate – it’s short-lived and certainly does not last days.

Apparently feelings are a chemical reaction; just energy moving through the body. When I allow myself to fully feel them — without judgment, suppression, or mental storytelling — they typically move through me in seconds, without taking control of the bus.

In the moment that I have a feeling, I also have a choice. Do I succumb to the feeling? Accept the invitation into self-obsession? Do I feed the virus so it will grow stronger? Throw another log on the fire? Latch on to that feeling so I can justify all sorts of behavior?

Or, do I choose to let the feeling run its course? Do I remember that in the grand scheme of things this doesn’t really matter and make the decision to practice patience, generosity of spirit, grace…. Do I lean on faith, trust, and hope?

The instructions to turn the other cheek or to rejoice aren’t there so we can “please God” — unless, like me, you believe that we are one and the same— or to earn a place in heaven. We’re meant to do it because it brings us joy now, because it allows us to experience heaven right here on earth.

I once asked a spiritual mentor and teacher – how do you tell the difference between what’s real and what isn’t? Her response was, “you don’t, you pick the story you like best and live it like it’s real.” She was telling me that we create our own reality.

So, when the line is long at the store and I’m going to be late for — whatever — I remember that patience is a principle that I can allow to guide my behavior. When I get word about someone I love who is not doing well, I remind myself that faith and trust are choices I can make, rather than giving in to worry or pity. I carefully choose the words I use to describe what’s going on — the story — and I tell it in a way that works for me instead of against me.

Perspective is everything. When I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change.

Wide Awake

Some Days You’re the Windshield

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A series of events crystallized an unshakeable clarity within me: acceptance is the precursor to change, not the other way around. I had moved to Minneapolis to be near spiritual community where I was sure I would fit in better and feel like I belonged. I was at an event with my people, standing near the entrance to a labyrinth, looking around at everyone visiting, and feeling very alone and like I didn’t belong. I must have read “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown because the quote “…our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance” went through my head and in that moment I knew my work was cut out for me.

I have come to believe that ‘the work’ in life is self-acceptance. Radical, whole-hearted self-acceptance. The kind that might resemble and even deepen the principle of Pride in the Iron Pentacle1 or the way humility is defined in Narcotics Anonymous2. I’ve been told that initiation is a self-acceptance project, not a self-improvement project3. I extended that idea first to recovery, and now… I think it extends to life.

The more I treat myself as someone who is acceptable, worthy, and lovable, the more I feel that way about myself

I have loathed myself for a lot of my life, and loathed my body just as long. No matter what diet I tried, exercise regimen I committed to, or how much I told myself that nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels – I could not keep it up. I would lose the weight and feel better about my appearance, keep it off maybe even for a couple of years, and then gain it back. After that day in the park, when I knew my focus needed to turn to self-acceptance, I began to work on my relationship with myself.

I worked on accepting myself wholeheartedly. Not in spite of anything, not “flaws and all”. I worked on seeing myself as perfect just the way I am4 – no more judging. When I do, taking care of myself was not such a chore. Eating healthy and getting exercise were things I want to do. Other things also become easier and more sustainable – like keeping up a daily practice, daily even! And of course, the more I treat myself as someone who is acceptable, worthy, and lovable, the more I felt that way about myself. It went from a vicious cycle to a virtuous cycle.

I was sharing all of this in a group of friends one evening and was challenged in a way in which I could not adequately respond. I knew my experience but could not refute their questions. They kept coming back to “but you’re improving” and they argued that it was all semantics. Not a great argument to use against me, because I adamantly believe that words are important – and even if words are synonyms that doesn’t mean they’re interchangeable.

The challenge hasn’t left my thoughts, and now I have an answer.

My Self, whatever that is… my true self, my soul, whatever it is that makes me Me is not the sum of my behaviors, choices, character defects, successes, delusions, mistakes5, circumstances, past, present, gender, age, sexuality, I could go on… I am somehow underneath all of those things and would still be me if none of them were true or existed.

When I realize this is not a self-improvement project, I am no longer trying to change (improve) myself into something worthy, acceptable, or something I can be proud of. The work for me is to make peace with6 and deeply understand that I am worthy, acceptable, and something I can be proud of already. All of the beliefs, behaviors, choices made, etc. that I want to use as evidence against that fact, use as proof that I need improving, are things I’ve picked up along the way – like bugs on the windshield of my car. When I focus on them, they obscure the view and give me a faulty belief in myself.

When I understand that the windshield is not the problem, I can do regular maintenance to keep the bugs cleaned off; my view no longer obscured. Cleaning the windshield is not improving the windshield – it’s improving the view. The windshield itself hasn’t changed – I’ve just removed the debris that was covering it up. And when things in my life improve as the result of accepting myself – of removing the things that are covering me up, I have not improved myself – I have improved my life, health, circumstances, relationships, and maybe most importantly – my view.

Footnotes

  1. “The point of pride is our recognition of our own self-worth and the ability to live fully without reservation, allowing our true nature to shine outward while not giving in to the ego’s temptation to compare ourselves to others. It is complete innocence, living fully
    and unabashedly in the moment.” The Iron Pentacle ↩︎
  2. “True humility is, simply, acceptance of who we are.” Just for Today, November 28. There are tons of definitions spattered throughout the literature. Another of my favorites is “Our true value is in being ourselves.” Basic Text p 101 ↩︎
  3. Source Unknown – but I’m asking around! ↩︎
  4. My Top 3 Tips for Becoming Perfect ↩︎
  5. “According to my 1940 Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, a mistake is a misconception. ↩︎
  6. My sponsor’s definition of acceptance is “making peace with what is” ↩︎