A series of events crystallized an unshakeable clarity within me: acceptance is the precursor to change, not the other way around. I had moved to Minneapolis to be near spiritual community where I was sure I would fit in better and feel like I belonged. I was at an event with my people, standing near the entrance to a labyrinth, looking around at everyone visiting, and feeling very alone and like I didn’t belong. I must have read “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown because the quote “…our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance” went through my head and in that moment I knew my work was cut out for me.

I have come to believe that ‘the work’ in life is self-acceptance. Radical, whole-hearted self-acceptance. The kind that might resemble and even deepen the principle of Pride in the Iron Pentacle¹ or the way humility is defined in Narcotics Anonymous². I’ve been told that initiation is a self-acceptance project, not a self-improvement project³. I extended that idea first to recovery, and now… I think it extends to life.

The more I treat myself as someone who is acceptable, worthy, and lovable, the more I feel that way about myself

I have loathed myself for a lot of my life, and loathed my body just as long. No matter what diet I tried, exercise regimen I committed to, or how much I told myself that nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels – I could not keep it up. I would lose the weight and feel better about my appearance, keep it off maybe even for a couple of years, and then gain it back. After that day in the park, when I knew my focus needed to turn to self-acceptance, I began to work on my relationship with myself.

I worked on accepting myself wholeheartedly. Not in spite of anything, not “flaws and all”. I worked on seeing myself as perfect just the way I am⁴ – no more judging. When I do, taking care of myself was not such a chore. Eating healthy and getting exercise were things I want to do. Other things also become easier and more sustainable – like keeping up a daily practice, daily even! And of course, the more I treat myself as someone who is acceptable, worthy, and lovable, the more I felt that way about myself. It went from a vicious cycle to a virtuous cycle.

I was sharing all of this in a group of friends one evening and was challenged in a way in which I could not adequately respond. I knew my experience but could not refute their questions. They kept coming back to “but you’re improving” and they argued that it was all semantics. Not a great argument to use against me, because I adamantly believe that words are important – and even if words are synonyms that doesn’t mean they’re interchangeable.

The challenge hasn’t left my thoughts, and now I have an answer.

My Self, whatever that is… my true self, my soul, whatever it is that makes me Me is not the sum of my behaviors, choices, character defects, successes, delusions, mistakes⁵, circumstances, past, present, gender, age, sexuality, I could go on… I am somehow underneath all of those things and would still be me if none of them were true or existed.

When I realize this is not a self-improvement project, I am no longer trying to change (improve) myself into something worthy, acceptable, or something I can be proud of. The work for me is to make peace with⁶ and deeply understand that I am worthy, acceptable, and something I can be proud of already. All of the beliefs, behaviors, choices made, etc. that I want to use as evidence against that fact, use as proof that I need improving, are things I’ve picked up along the way – like bugs on the windshield of my car. When I focus on them, they obscure the view and give me a faulty belief in myself.

When I understand that the windshield is not the problem, I can do regular maintenance to keep the bugs cleaned off; my view no longer obscured. Cleaning the windshield is not improving the windshield – it’s improving the view. The windshield itself hasn’t changed – I’ve just removed the debris that was covering it up. And when things in my life improve as the result of accepting myself – of removing the things that are covering me up, I have not improved myself – I have improved my life, health, circumstances, relationships, and maybe most importantly – my view.

Footnotes

1. “The point of pride is our recognition of our own self-worth and the ability to live fully without reservation, allowing our true nature to shine outward while not giving in to the ego’s temptation to compare ourselves to others. It is complete innocence, living fully
   and unabashedly in the moment.” The Iron Pentacle ↩︎
2. “True humility is, simply, acceptance of who we are.” Just for Today, November 28. There are tons of definitions spattered throughout the literature. Another of my favorites is “Our true value is in being ourselves.” Basic Text p 101 ↩︎
3. Source Unknown – but I’m asking around! ↩︎
4. My Top 3 Tips for Becoming Perfect ↩︎
5. “According to my 1940 Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, a mistake is a misconception. ↩︎
6. My sponsor’s definition of acceptance is “making peace with what is” ↩︎